Whenever life throws punches at us that make us stumble and fall, we ask ourselves this useless and so unproductive question:
“WHY has this happened to me?”.
Or the more concrete, “WHY has s/he left me?”.
I remember after my own break-up, I spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to figure out why she had left me right before our wedding.
As if it mattered for my healing.
But I WANTED to understand. I thought that understanding would trigger some kind of epiphany that would heal me in an instant.
But no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn’t figure it out. The truth was, I had absolutely no clue what had happened.
Of course there were red flags, signs that something was wrong. But they didn’t seem to matter, so I was blind to them. Besides, how could such a big love ever been threatened by anything?
I thought that nothing could destroy us.
How wrong and naive I was.
The Mystery Of The “WHY”
Whenever a client comes to the question of the WHY, I tell them this exact same answer:
“Figuring out the WHY is part of your recovery process”.
No one seem to understands what I mean by this. I certainly wouldn’t have back then either.
Truth is, that even if I told you exactly what went wrong and WHY they left, you wouldn’t understand it.
“FIGURING OUT THE WHY IS PART OF YOUR RECOVERY PROCESS”.
It’s like helping a caterpillar out of its cocoon. It would die soon after, because it needs the strength that it builds up by fighting itself out of the cocoon for becoming the butterfly.
That’s why YOU have to first grow into understanding, so that you can become stronger through that realization.
I knew nothing of this back then. I thought the world was against me, and my Ex was just a mean and cruel human being.
As I went through the phases, and turned my focus more onto myself, slowly a new world of understanding opened up to me.
I started to understand that the relationship was far from perfect, and that important needs weren’t met. Not mine and not hers.
Once my rose-colored glasses were smacked off my face, I learned to look at everything with new eyes.
Many remarks she made back then I suddenly understood. I understood both sides – the disappointments and the unspoken frustrations.
This kind of understanding helped A LOT, and fast-forwarded my healing.
Would it have helped if someone just told me beforehand?
Of course not.
Because I had to understand for myself. I had to fight my way out of the cocoon in order to become a beautiful and strong butterfly.
My advice to you is to acknowledge to yourself that while the reasons that led to the breakup are important to you, they are yet out of your grasp.
Dwelling on the reasons will slow down your healing, and hurt your already damaged self-esteem.
You can use an affirmation for accepting this fact:
“The truth I seek will always present itself at the right time”.
Instead of contemplating over the reasons, use this time to look inwards. Try to understand yourself more by nurturing your basic needs, (if you need help here, subscribe to Eddie Corbano’s free newsletter).
Love yourself, be good to yourself, and a whole new world of understanding will open up to you.
And you will become the beautiful butterfly you deserve to be.