10. You have advanced degrees in each other’s bodies.
You know where to let your hands wander – and where not to. Your partner knows exactly what you like – and what you can’t stand – so you won’t ever again have to figure out a nice way of saying, “What is that weird thing you keep doing with your nose during oral s*x? And can you please not do it ever again?”
9. Good s*x can happen fast when you need it to.
Those advanced degrees mean that s*x doesn’t always need to take an hour. Because five minutes of getting the job done is better than forty-five minutes of ineffectual dilly-dallying, especially when you have to be up with the birds the next morning.
Also, it’s okay to say, “Wanna have s*x as soon as my show is finished?” In fact, sometimes that’s all it takes to get in the mood.
8. s*x can be hilarious.
All the stuff that used to mortify you when you were single and dating is now more entertaining than a reel of news bloopers: unexpected bodily emissions (a well-timed queef can be entertaining for days); trying and failing at a complicated position; accidentally getting certain substances in your ear during the money shot; a pillow that keeps getting in your way like an unwelcome third wheel; etc., etc.
7. You can be fully in the moment.
Yeah, yeah, we know there are kids and work problems and dirty laundry and all the usual life stuff that can distract you from good s*x. That’s life.
But you’re not distracted by thinking, Does this person really like me? I wonder if I’ll ever hear from them again? I wonder what they think of my b**b size/man-hood size/oral technique? Should I stay the night? Will I climax? Did my partner climax? Did they just wince when I got near their nipples? Where did my nose ring go?
And so on and on and on and on.
6. You make your own normal.
Forget about the Joneses, they’re not sleeping in your bed. When you’re married, you’re each other’s yardstick for what’s “normal.”
If you like s*x once a month – and the two of you agree on this – then that’s your normal. If you both like a strict diet of missionary, then that’s cool too. You swing every other Friday with the neighbors? Then it’s just your typical Friday night.
Whatever positions, whatever schedule, whatever approach – whatever works for the two of you is all good, and screw everyone else.
5. Kink works better.
Really naughty s*x requires negotiation, communication, and trust. When you’re married, you (should) have these things in spades, and they’re not buzz kills, either!
So you can experiment with bondage, power roles, sharing fantasies, even pain, and it’s much less likely that someone will end up in the emergency room (or in tears)! Plus, the more intimate and domestic and settled your day-to-day life is, the hotter it is to break out the handcuffs at night.
4. STDs are a think of the past (if you’re a monogamous married couple).
So long, condoms. So long, crabs. So long, douchey partners who lie about their s*xual history. So long, that late-night panic of, “Is that herpes or just a really big pimple?!”
3. Simultaneous orgasms.
Sure, these aren’t guaranteed with married s*x, but the more times you sleep with the same person – someone you love and trust and are committed to – the more likely this is to happen.
You know each other’s timing, each other’s bodies, each other’s hot spots, and you’ll be comfortable bringing vibrating toys to bed to help even the orgasmic playing field. (You are comfortable doing that, yes? Because if you’re not, then you’re not doing married s*x right!)
2. You can take each other for granted.
Not that you should do this all the time, but you’re allowed to do it some of the time.
Assuming you have a healthy marriage and you communicate well and often, s*x will probably be there for you when you need it – at least at some point, even if it’s not as often as you’d like.
You don’t need to hit the town and hope you get lucky. You don’t always need to shave your legs. You don’t need to suck in your stomach and present your good side.
Warning: If you take married s*x (or your married love) for granted too often, you may find married s*x less reliable than it used to be!
1. You can get better.
s*x doesn’t automatically get better over time, but it does if you want it to! And having s*x doesn’t necessarily make you better at s*x – after all, everyone is different in bed – but having s*x with the same person, over and over again, absolutely makes you better at having s*x with that same person.
In other words, married people have no excuse not to be s*x gods and goddesses – at least in the eyes of their spouse!