We’ve all seen American Pie. We know that there are plenty of “cougars” out there prowling the streets for younger men to bone.
That’s all fine and dandy… as long as those younger men aren’t our boyfriends and those middle aged women aren’t our mothers. What if, for some unspeakable reason, your mom had her eyes set on your man? Could you even tell the difference between your mom bonding with your boyfriend in a healthy way or in a s*exy way?
Here are some tell-tale signs that your mama might be looking closer to home for a man to can quench her appetite.
1. She’s more interested in greeting him than she is you. It’s lovely when your parents and your partner get along. It really is.
But you’re their child, not him. Unless you’ve been with your baby for a hell of a long time – so long that he’s become like a second son to your family, and then he went on a really long trip somewhere – there is absolutely no reason your mom should be pushing you to the side to greet him. Get your guy and run.
2. She comments on his physical appearance… a lot. “Oh, you’re so muscly! Oh, you’re so strong! Have you been working out?” – Please. And yes, his eyes are blue. Yes, they’re beautiful. Yes, he has long eyelashes. Yes, he has a nice smile! YES, HE IS ATTRACTIVE. HENCE THE WHOLE BOYFRIEND THING. If this sounds like just harmless flirting, imagine for a second if the roles were reversed and his dad were saying these kinds of things to you? It’d be creepy, right?
3. She asks him personal questions about past relationships. His past relationships are his business, and if you’re lucky, he might share his stories with you. People ask about past relationships to gather information that could have some kind of effect on your present relationship together. For example, you might want to know how many partners they’ve had, were they together very long, or if they’re still in contact with each other. What could your mother possibly want to know about his past relationships? How about: Has he ever been with an older woman? Whatever the reason for her asking, this crosses some serious personal boundaries. Don’t let it slide.
4. She sends him overly friendly texts. “Hi, I hope you’re having a great day xx” – is something you should be sending your boyfriend, not your mom. And no, these aren’t generic texts that everyone’s getting. You sure didn’t. If you’re lucky, your boyfriend will be just as freaked out by these texts as you are and he’ll just come straight out and tell you about them. But for the unlucky few, you might not have a guy that sees anything wrong with this behavior. But there are always ways to see your man’s texts. I’m not saying spy on him. No. That’s not healthy. However, when he gets a text and you happen to be beside his phone fast enough to see the preview pop up, well… that’s not really you’re fault, is it?
5. She calls him when you’re out together. It’s annoying when your guy takes a phone call when you’re out together, especially if you’re trying to get some 1-on-1 time together. But usually it’s just the guys. But if you’re mom’s calling him, that’s just plain weird. Unless they’re planning some elaborate party for you (uh… yes, please!), your mom has some explaining to do. Right. Now. Oh, and don’t forget to politely ask him not to answer any more of your mom’s phone calls.
6. She’s at his beck and call when he’s in your house. Your mom never offers you (or even your friends) a beverage when you visit, but when he’s there she’s all, “Can I grab you a beer? Some steak? A new Ferrari??” Just to make things worse (and to make you look like an awful human being with no manners whatsoever), she might even call you out for not offering him drinks or food (probably because she jumped in there first, thank you very much!). If she doesn’t act like this with any of her other guests, then it’s a pretty obvious sign that Mama Bear wants to take your meat for herself. Hands off, bitch.
7. She dresses up when she knows he’s coming over. A lot of us dress up when we’re expecting guests – it’s pretty standard. But your mother isn’t donning her best pearls and a pretty cardigan. Nuh uh. This woman – who supposedly birthed you – is walking around with her tits out, red lipstick on, wearing so much perfume that you gag if you get too close, and she’s managed to squirm into a tight lil number. Oh, and she’s sporting heels that you couldn’t even walk in. If you see your mother dolling herself up for what looks like a night at the club, it might be best to call your man and make plans to eat out instead. I hear that new Chinese place around the corner is great.
8. She gets drunk and starts to flirt with him. There’s something really creepy about seeing your own mother flirt, even when it’s with men her own age… but with your boyfriend? Not cool. Moms have this way of pretending like their flirtations are just a bit of “fun,” and sometimes it’s hard to call her out on it without seeming like a prude. If you can’t tame the beast, then maybe you guys just need to call it an early night…
9. She goes in for the kiss. You’re screwed. Well, actually he is. My sincerest condolences.