This Is What It Feels Like To Be Depressed

Everyone has been depressed at one point or another and that’s why when i found this piece and video, i decided to share it, in other for someone out there to understand that they are not alone.

BY Whateverhappensxx On Youtube:

[I am sharing this because I need to vent sometimes, also because of the people who might think that they are alone, I am NOT sharing this because I want or need attention. I would never joke or fake that I have depressed.]

First of all, depression isn’t something you decide to have, it sneaks up on you and can be all-consuming.

Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m depressed before I catch myself constantly thinking bad things about myself, thinking that everyone around me thinks badly of me, and when my thoughts drift to suicide.

I can lay in my bed at night wide awake with negative and angsty thoughts running through my head. And other times I can sleep for the entire day not wanting to be around people. Or rather, I can’t be around people. My mind makes me analyze and second-guess everything, it makes me distrust anyone I meet and I convince myself they are talking behind my back, that they secretly think badly of me. It makes me feel unloved, it makes me feel worthless and ugly both inside and out.

I can be waiting for the bus and the thought of walking in front of it crosses my mind.

I can be cooking dinner and suddenly those angsty and negative thoughts take over and it would be JUST SO EASY to cut my wrist.

Those are my bad days, my really f*cked up days.  And then there’s the numb days. Those days are dangerous in their own way because I don’t feel anything mentally.

Nobody knows my thoughts or how I feel because I keep it all bottled up inside. I keep that painful smile plastered onto my face and act like the “normal” woman people around me think me to be, because I am too afraid. I’m afraid that they won’t believe me. I am afraid that their eyes that once looked at me with love will look at me with pity, that they will act differently around me and treat me like a broken object that can be FIXED BACK TO NORMAL. But I am not something that can be fixed back to normal, because THIS is the normal me.

This is what I have been living with, or rather coexisted with for so many years.

Some days are worse than others, but I also have those good days you know. The days (and fleeting thoughts during my bad days) when I fight to remind myself how much I am loved and how much I will hurt the ones who love me if  I leave this world.

Video By Tanya: