Sex can be a splendid thing, but occasionally our expectations about s*x versus the reality can be quite skewed toward the realm of ultimate fantasy. We all love to imagine ourselves in sexual scenarios similar to what you would see on somewhere like watchmygirlfriend, but these very rarely come to fruition in real life. Case in point: S*x with a man. Yes, there are some dudes out there who can uncover the secret wonders of a woman’s unknowns so easily, you may think he’s a S*x Sensei. But then, there are most men who are wonderful too, but flawed human beings just like the rest of us. That doesn’t always stop us from having certain, and sometimes ridiculous, expectations though.
Hollywood stallions has put it in our heads that s*x often comes with romantic music, fits of passion on top of cluttered counters, flawless lighting, and minor acrobatics. Similarly, mainstream porn gives us an unrealistic view of how s*x looks. But when it comes time to do have s*x in the real world with an actual man, there may be a lot more awkward fumbling, accidental injuries and ill-timed noises than the magic of cinema leads us to believe. In the end, that’s all OK though. The laughs, embarrassing moments and mishaps are things you actually remember. Having s*x with a guy you care about and can communicate well with is going to be good regardless, so feel free to LOL over some of the expectations you may have previously had.
1. Expectation: You Look At Him, And He’s Suddenly Hard Forever
I am putting on all the moves and wearing my sexiest bra and panties, so this won’t be an issue.
Reality: He Needs A Little Work
Yes, he may get a boner at the most inopportune moments, but they’re not just a switch you can activate. Even though porn makes it look like everyone can get aroused right on the spot, we know that’s definitely not true for women’s arousal, and it’s not always true for guys either.
2. Expectation: A Lengthy Amount Of Foreplay
Tonight we’re busting out the massage oils and searching each other’s Wonderland’s like an old John Mayer song.
Reality: Rushes Right Into It
OK, we both have work in the morning so let’s just get right into it and call it a night. We can do that foreplay stuff tomorrow.
3. Expectation: He’s Going To Hit The G-Spot For Hours!
I read about this new position online that allows for immediate G-spot action guaranteed to blow your mind!
Reality: Wait, Do I Even Have A G-spot?
Are we doing this right? Did he find it? Can I even find it? Do I actually have a G-spot or am I some unlucky sub-human?
4. Expectation: I Will Be One Of The Rare Unicorns To Have A Vaginal Orgasm
Once again, did my research online and the two of us are ready to do all the moves so I can finally experience the fabled vaginal orgasm.
Reality: Or Not
Is everyone lying to me? Getting on top again so we can get some clit action going.
5. Expectation: Switching Up Positions Like Two Regular Porn Stars
He’s a mighty super hero in the sack, ready to flip me over, lift me over his head, and do just about any other mystical thing only Sex Gods can do. It’s gonna be straight out of a hd tube movies production and we’re gonna love it.
Reality: We May Have Some Awkward Injuries After This
He tried to switch from missionary to doggy and we both bumped our heads on the headboard. OW.
6. Expectation: Nicholas Sparks Will Write Pages About Us
Tonight we are going to make love a la The Notebook filled with unwavering intimacy and connection. It’ll be just the two of us, colliding together as if we were melding into one another.
Reality: A Lot Of Awkward Noises We’re Just Going To Ignore
His dog is sitting there and watching us as the bed creaks and neither of us can stop laughing.
7. Expectation: We Are Going All Night This Time
We both drank espresso with dinner, and tonight will finally be the night where we do nothing but have sex. He’s even researched some mental tricks and positions so he can last longer. Let’s do this. #sexmarathon
Reality: 10 Minutes Later, We’re Both Kind Of Exhausted
That was nice, but I’m feeling pretty sleepy.