Healthy relationships are amazing. Dysfunctional ones are hell. Which one are you in?
Here are 17 signs that you’re not in a relationship, but a relationshit:
1. You wish you could check each other’s phones. If ever there was a sign that you’re in a relationshit, this is it — trust isn’t negotiable.
2. You’re not actively trying to make each other happy. If you’re not trying to make each other happy, you’re not going to be happy together. It’s that simple.
3. You don’t communicate productively. Issues are going to arise but that’s not a big deal as long as you talk through them. If you can’t discuss things with each other without losing your tempers or getting defensive, nothing will ever get resolved. And that sucks.
4. You’re not physically or verbally affectionate with each other. Saying nice things to each other and being touchy-feely with each other engenders warmth, trust and builds connection. A relationship without that is, well, a relationshit.
5. You bring out the worst in each other. If being with each other makes you crazy, insecure, or enraged more often than it makes you feel happy, secure and satisfied, it’s time to bounce, boo.
6. So much needs to change in order for things to feel good. It’s natural to have a wish list for your partner or relationship but if the list of things that need to change is reeeaaally long, you’re playing a waiting game that’s never going to pay off. People don’t change that much. Like Chris Rock said: “When you first start dating someone, you’re not dating the real them — you’re dating their representative.” In other words, that’s as good as they’ll ever get.
7. You needle each other. Taking little jabs at each other because you find each other irritating is one of the first signs that the end is near. That kind of passive aggression is slow and subtle — kind of like Chinese water torture — but it’s also a really powerful sign that you need to jump on Tinder.
8. You’re jealous of other couples. If you’re looking at other people’s relationships, wishing you had what they have, then at least you know what you want — a healthy relationship. Don’t keep settling for crumbs. Go after what you know you deserve.
9. You’re not driven to do things together. People who like each other want to spend time together and share new experiences together. Enough said.
10. Your friends are sick of hearing you complain. They know it’s over. They’re just waiting for you to muster the strength to move on.
11. So, you lie about how much you fight. We get it – you’re embarrassed by how dysfunctional it is. But lying about it doesn’t make it functional.
12. There’s no momentum. You should feel like you’re both moving towards something — commitment, or engagement, or marriage or just towards an increasingly better life together — as your connection gets stronger. If your relationship isn’t going anywhere, you’re just killing time and that’s lame.
13. It’s all about the s*ex. S*ex is awesome but a healthy relationship is built around a lot more than that. If you both connect only through s*ex and not through conversation about each other’s lives or spending together doing nons*exual things (like dinner, socializing with friends, being active, etc), you’re missing out on a lot of good stuff.
14. Or there’s no s*ex. Like we said, s*ex is awesome. You should be having some.
15. You want different things. Does he want to live in NY but you want to live in LA? Do you agree on whether or not to have children and how to raise them? Are you on the same page about how much money you need or what role, if any, religion plays in your lives? In order for your relationship to stay out of relationshit territory, you need to agree on the big stuff or be willing to compromise.
16. You’re staying together not because you know they’re the one but because you’re scared you might never meet the one. Sticking with someone because you think they’re the best you can do is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t screw yourself — walk away. If you don’t bet on yourself and your future, why would anyone else?
17. Deep down, you know something isn’t right. Your gut is always right. Trust it.