There are different situations that require different measures when it comes to talking to your crush. It’s one thing to have a crush on the boy next door, another to have one on your boss, but one thing remains the same: you need confidence. Read on to find out how to build your confidence when chatting to crushes and strangers alike, as well as how to start that first conversation with your current crush.
First thing first – confidence plays a big role in talking to your crush. That means you have to work on your overall confidence. The best place to start is to accept you for who you are. Not your behavior necessarily, but who you truly are, in your heart. Nobody is better or worse than you. Even if you had a terrible childhood, made some terrible mistakes, or screwed up royally in any other way – that’s not who you are. You know who you are and the best way to gain the attention of someone who would truly love you is to be that person.
There’s a lot of things you can do to generally build confidence though, as well as in particular build confidence in talking to people and these are things that will attract your crush as well. You will find these tips in the next few segments.
Do One Thing a Day That Frightens You or Makes You Feel Uncomfortable
Maybe you don’t like cold calling. Maybe you really don’t like cold baths (read: you were always the last one in the ocean during summer holidays). You might be petrified of snakes. Maybe you feel embarrassed when you compliment people. Or you might be really scared to put your hand up in class or stand up to your employer. You might even be so scared you don’t know how to do something you don’t even try – like cooking, doing a work assignment, etc.
Whatever it is you fear, or makes you uncomfortable, and it can be really small things, try doing one thing every day to overcome the fear. If you fear snakes, go to the local zoo and ask to hold one (or do like I did: go for a walk on Venice beach and ask to have chat with the snake outside the freak show). The more you practice this, the more confident you will be when you talk to your crush as you will have learnt that it’s not half as difficult as you’d like to think to do what makes you nervous (and chances are you will be when first chatting to him) and it will give you a lot of confidence.
Speak to Strangers
The more used you become to talking to strangers, the easier it will be to talk to your crush, as it will cure your fear of rejection. Soon you will realize that some people are happy when being approached, others happen to be in a bad mood and will take it out on you. Or they just have a shitty personality.
If you are really shy, you can start with things like walking into a hotel reception and ask about the prices of the rooms, or call a shop to ask about something. These are natural situations to talk to strangers. Once you’ve gotten used to that, you can try things like stopping someone in the street, asking for directions. After that, move onto complimenting strangers you would talk to, like the shops assistant, or hairdressers. People love compliments, but we seldom give them to strangers. Sometimes not even to close family members. Have a go at complimenting friends and family as well.
When you start feeling braver, strike up conversations with people who you have no reason for talking to. For example, if you are in a bar with your friend, have your friend go somewhere else whilst you go to the bathroom and when you come back, ask someone nearby if they saw where your friend went. Also try walking up to people in shops and bars complimenting them if you see something you genuinely like. Make sure you do it in a “passing by” sort of manner though. Don’t stop like you want a long conversation with them, but say it in the passing, just stop for a second or so when you are talking. You can always walk by them again later, smile and nod at them and give them a chance to talk to you if they are up for it.
Get a Life
Confidence is about knowing you are living a life you love. If you always dreamt of taking salsa classes, then do so. If you feel your diet and exercise regime aren’t great, then change them. If you have things you know you should do that you aren’t doing, then do them. Procrastination is getting you nowhere.
If you have terrible problems moving forward with your goals and your life – get a life coach.
Create an interesting and happy life and confidence will naturally exude from you.
Stand up straight. Sit up straight. Smile. Whatever you do – just smile. Unless you have your head in a book working or studying, smile. Walk with confidence. Look people in the eye when speaking to them. Look up as you pass people by. Give a firm handshake.
There’s this thing ballet teachers always say – stand as if you had a string pulling your head up. Imagine that. Then add two more strings – one for each corner of your mouth.
Being an actor I can assure you it takes a lot of awareness to change your body language. You have to mind yourself twenty-four seven. Suddenly you will discover all those little things you do, that you had no clue you were doing. Are you looking down when passing by people you find intimidating? Are you shrinking when someone yells at you? Do you start obsessively chewing your pen when reading? Or are your legs constantly moving? Are you sitting in positions that make your back ache?
Practice every day to bring awareness to your body and start using that awareness to change your body language into something positive. If you like you can take classes in body language as well as Alexander Technique.
Few things frighten people as much as speaking in public. This because people fear judgement from others. Yet, the best way to be liked is to speak with confidence. To do so you need to practice.
Join an improvisation theater class to learn to speak and act at a moment’s notice. If that’s not available join a drama club. Also join a public speaking club, or do presentations by yourself where you imagine an audience. Jump at opportunities to speak in front of others. And before each class, or presentation, remind yourself that you will be better received if you speak loudly and clearly. Being too quiet and shrinking away from it will only annoy others – they are waiting to see you give a star performance. Don’t disappoint them – live up to their expectations rather than thinking they are there to humiliate you – they aren’t. They are there to see something that will entertain or inform them. And if you join a class or club of some sort and you feel really, really shy – don’t be ashamed to say so. People are supportive if you let them know you have problems with something and would like a little help. Sometimes this requires joining a class away from your school or group of friends as they more easily fall into the trap of seeing you how they’ve always seen you, as opposed to who you are now. And let’s face it – if you are in high school, there can be a lot of peer pressure and people wanting to keep you in whatever category they think you belong in.
Make New Friends
Just like you may feel butterflies talking to a crush you will probably feel butterflies talking to new people who you want to make friends with. A great place to practice is to join Meet Up Groups, or take classes in something. Arrive with a positive attitude, remember your body language, and start conversations. Think of questions to ask that can start conversations and ask them with confidence. Like: “How long have you been part of this group for?” “Do you enjoy it?” “What are some the best things the group has done do you think?” “Hi, I’m X, I’m new here. Nice to meet y’all. Anything I should know before I start?”
You Will Mess Up
Excuse the French, but it is true – you will screw up. You will get rejected. Just keep doing as many things as possible to overcome your fear of it and realize your own worth, even in the face of rejection.
As humans we tend to focus on the negative – don’t.
A Word on Shyness
People often think that by being shy they are protecting themselves. They are. They are protecting themselves from the world seeing what beautiful, marvelous creatures they are.
If you are shy you fear people. The reason you fear them is because you think their judgment will hurt you. So learn to love yourself, because only then will you dare to show who you are to the world, and only then will people start paying attention to the true you and you will start to connect with people who genuinely like that person.
Some people deal with shyness by constantly cracking jokes, talking non-stop or dying their hair pink. Attitudes and walls won’t protect you. All they will do is attract people who are attracted to your walls and attitudes as opposed to the true you. You will keep feeling lonely as no one is seeing your heart.
How to Think About Your Crush to Find Confidence
You have a crush on someone, sure. That means your hormones are going wild and you want them to like you. It’s your ego that wants them to like you though, because your heart knows that it’s looking for a true connection with someone and if that doesn’t exist, why bother?
That’s the first thing to realize.
Secondly, you need to know men should fight the dragons to really get to your heart. You might have a crush on them, thinking their personality is great, but that alone won’t make for a great time with them. They have to prove themselves worthy of you. They have to show they will make a good friend. Just because someone is charming doesn’t necessarily mean they bother about the people in their life. Make sure they do before you give your heart away. Thinking about this will switch you from a position where you might feel inferior, to one where you are in charge. You are auditioning a boyfriend, not throwing yourself at his feet begging him to have you. There’s no fun in chasing guys you can’t have. What’s the point? Go for those that show you a good time.
How to Connect with Your Crush Easily
There are many ways to do this, but at first the best thing to do is to smile at them and look them in the eye ever so often. Don’t sit staring at them – that’s stalker warning right there – but when you pass them by, look at them and give them a smile. You should do that with most people, as it’s a great way to establish a connection.
How to Start a Conversation
The first thing to know is to not attack your crush – you need to set it up so that they will want to speak with you.
If your crush is standing in a group, approach the group, as opposed to your crush. Get talking to them, ignoring your crush. Let them see you are entertaining and can hold a conversation. Once you’ve talked to everyone else in the group, you can turn to your crush.
Whether you are talking to your crush if he’s on his own, or you are talking to a group, make it clear that you will soon have to leave. You aren’t coming over to attach yourself to the group or to him in other words, you are just passing by.
If you want to approach a crush you don’t know and simply make him notice you (as opposed to make him speak to you the first time), you can easily start by chatting to his friends. That way he will see you and hopefully remember you. The next day you have a reason to smile at him and nod in his direction. “Hi guys, I’m just on my way to maths class/out, but I seem to have lost my pencil case. Has anyone seen it, it’s read with a blue pattern? No? Crap. Oh by the way, I really like your glasses. (Not your crush’s someone else’s.) Anyway, see you guys later.” Alternatively, walk up to one of the girls in the group complimenting her nail polish and asking where she bought it. Don’t go for an item like a sweater though, because chances are she doesn’t want anyone else wearing the same sweater. If you are talking about a clothing item, make sure to point out you are looking for a great shop, as opposed to the same item. Like “Oh those shoes are lovely, where did you buy them? I’m looking for boots rather than high heels, but I really couldn’t find anything in the shops I was looking in.” You can do exactly the same thing at a nightclub, with the looking for your friend scenario. Then you can smile and nod whenever walking by later – now you suddenly have a connection with the guy.
If you are in a club, strike up conversations with other people as well, before returning to the guy you wanted to speak with. This will show you are in demand – people like speaking with you.
There are many different situations and if you are at work you can say anything from “Hey, isn’t Mac just the best?” when passing by our crush, to “I like your tie, where did you get it? My brother is looking for a better place to buy ties.”
If you compliment your crush, don’t come on too strong. Leave him room to work impress you. For example, you can say “Nice shoes, I don’t like the color, but the design is really cool.” Somehow we are psychologically wired to want to impress people.
Pick-up artists are actually great at starting conversations and I suggest reading The Game by Neil Strauss to learn their techniques.
Once you get to the point where you can smile and nod at your crush, it’s time to step it up. You can do this by asking a question or making a comment in the passing. From there you then have to move onto a real conversation. By now, hopefully he will take that step.
If not, try and start a conversation that relates to him as well as you. Some examples below:
“God, what traffic! It took me an hour to get here. Did you get stuck as well?”of “Jeeze, it’s hot today. Is it just me, or is this weather making you tired?” There are perfect if walking in through the door simultaneously, or standing in the elevator.
“Did you hear that? It must be the rain! I who thought that I could get away with wearing a dress today!”
“Did you hear about the guy that got arrested just here the other week? What a story!” Whether they say yes, or no, enthusiastically start telling the story.
“I can’t believe it’s Friday. This week flew by.” (If by the water cooler.)
“Did you see that combination outside? I wonder what it’s all about.”
Whatever you talk about, have a follow-up plan. I.e. don’t just let the conversation die out. And remember – some day people are in a bad mood. If they aren’t all talkative it might not be a bad sign.
Slow down so you don’t babble. Tell the truth. Be yourself. Add your humor and charm. Drop a compliment. Share what you love in life and ask him questions about the things he loves.