This is normal. When you’re in a relationship, it can feel like everything is perfect and the two of you are invincible. And then… Bang. Along comes a confession or an unwanted discovery. Your ex has been cheating on you. You feel like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. You break up with them and try to move on with your life… But, you still miss them…
Breaking up is almost never easy, even if you broke up after discovering that your partner cheated during the relationship. Despite their indiscretions, you may still have feelings for them.
You miss them for the person that you thought they were and you miss the happy moments that you shared with them. Forming an attachment to another person is part of human nature. While we are in a relationship, we form a bond with the other person that can be difficult to break, even after a break up. Love is not an emotion that you can just switch on and off…
Why do you still have feelings for them?
1. You were in a long term relationship
If you were with your partner in a serious relationship for more than a few months, you have to remember, just as it took time to build the relationship, it will take time to get over it.
2. He or she was your first true love
Maybe you two weren’t in a relationship for a very long time, but the love you felt was real and the bond between the two of you seemed unbreakable. Your ex was perfect for you and made you feel special, you felt like they were your best friend and soul mate… Your relationship was ideal and everything you’d ever wanted… People always said you two made such a great couple… This was the first person you could see yourself with long term…
3. You blame yourself for their unfaithfulness
Sometimes, it comes down to insecurity. Until finding out about their infidelity, you two had something great together. Now, that’s all been shattered. Many people who have been cheated on find it difficult not to blame themselves for their partner’s actions. Being cheated on can lower your self-esteem and make you wonder, Why me? Wasn’t I good enough? Remember, what they did is not your fault. Your ex cheated because they could.
Should you give your ex another chance?
We’ve all heard the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater,” but does it mean you shouldn’t give your ex another chance?
If you find yourself still dreaming of your ex and thinking about them every day, it’s worth talking to them and hearing what they have to say about their infidelity. While talking to your ex about what they did may not help you to feel better about the situation, it might assist you with deciding whether or not the relationship is worth continuing.
Listen to what your ex has to say and then see how you feel afterwards. If you find that you still care for them, then try to work things out and renew the relationship. If, however, you feel worse after talking to your ex, then take it as a sign that it’s time to move on and start thinking about what you want.
Just as your ex made the decision to cheat on you, now it’s your decision whether or not to continue the relationship.
Should you entirely cut your ex out of your life?
Some relationships aren’t worth saving. Think about your relationship with your ex and consider the following things:
- Do you feel like you can no longer trust your partner after they cheated?
- Was your relationship having problems before they cheated?
- When you look at your partner, are you constantly reminded of their infidelity?
- How do you feel about yourself? Have you lost confidence in yourself since being cheated on?
- Do you feel like you might want to start a new relationship and meet other people?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then now is a good time to consider ending the relationship altogether and moving on with your life. However, before you decide to go completely No Contact and cut your ex out, realize it means doing this:
- No phone calls or texts
- No emails or messaging through social media
- No asking friends/family about your ex and what they’re up to
- Getting rid of all evidence of your relationship with them – photos, messages, contact information
- Giving them back their belongings or throwing them out/donating them
How to start moving on
First, start by working on your self-esteem! Being cheated on is a massive blow to your confidence and can easily lead to depression. Remember, you are good enough, your partner made the mistake by not realizing what they already had with you.
Try not to focus on the past and instead work on your future. Spend your time doing the things you love to do. Now is an excellent time to start a new activity that you’ve been wanting to do or to work on a project you’ve been putting off or to focus on your education or career goals. Surround yourself with a support group of friends and family who will bring out the best in you and remind you of how great you truly are. If necessary, find a counselor who can help you work through your feelings.
The first few days, possibly even weeks or months, will be very difficult as your mind will continue to bring up thoughts of your ex and memories of your relationship with them. However, as time goes on and you slowly remove all traces of them from your daily life, things should start to get better.