Oh, the joys of dating. The extreme anxiety, the self-doubt, the need to check your inbox in the middle of the night just to see if anyone in particular has responded … it can be a passive-aggressive romp through personal hell.

So if you’re looking to meet your match, maybe there are a few things you should know before going on your next first date. After all, if you do it right, it could be your last. Here are 8 things never to do on a first date if, that is, you want a second.


  1. Do not mention that your arms are really sore from carrying Costco-size bags of cat food for blocks and blocks because you’re too poor to take a cab.
  2. Do not talk about how your doctor says you don’t have gluten allergy? But you feel like you do? And you haven’t eaten bread in, like, so long? Because you feel like you totally know you have Celiac disease no matter what the tests show?
  3. If there’s asparagus on the plate, I know it’s tempting, but do not talk about asparagus pee. Like, just don’t.
  4. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t talk about your ex on a first date, but not everyone knows that you shouldn’t talk about that poor ex-cuse for amother that you have. Don’t bring up your innermost family issues. Too soon.
  5. So you just had some dental work done and you may think that your gum grafting is super interesting, but it’s not. No one cares how much you spent on it, either.
  6. Do not mention how your and your friends’ motto for the summer is ABMO. Always Be Making Out. It doesn’t really send the message that you’re ready to get serious.
  7. Feeling like that pesky cold sore might resurface any day now? Keep that info to yourself.
  8. It’s great that you know all the lyrics to Emily’s raps on The Bachelor, but please, please, do not mention A) The Bachelor, B) that you’ve memorized lines from a reality show.