Bad enough when you’re doing the dumping and need to live with the burden of guilt, worse still, when you’re on the receiving end of being ditched. Regardless of whether it’s out of the blue or you’ve seen it coming for a while, getting over a break-up is a bitch.

However, fear not, there are plenty of ways to heal a broken heart. They might not dissolve the pain immediately but they will certainly see you well on the way to recovery.

1. Get drunk

Oh, I know, sensible grown-ups will tell you that this is the worst thing to do when you’ve been dumped – ignore them completely. Trust me, when your fiancee has just left you for your best friend – it’s not a yoga mat that’s going to help dull the crippling, indescribable pain, it’s a stiff bloody gin … or seven.

Granted, the morning after might be a bit shaky, but that’s when your second plan of action can come into play.

2. Have a good old cry

Pretending to be fine is utterly pointless and will simply serve to increase the hysteria later down the line. Invest a good amount of time sobbing your heart out under the covers, in a darkened room with your phone off. It might feel like a scene from a dodgy rom-com at the time, but really will help to get the initial pain out of your system and clear the way for a new start.

3. Talking of rom-coms

Avoid them at all cost. Another urban myth about being dumped – but I have news for you, Jennifer Aniston will not help you heal your damaged heart. Why? Because all rom-coms end happily, unlike your life, which, at this moment in time, is not ending very happily at all.

Nope, instead, if you have to sit in front of the TV, stick on something that’ll make you laugh. Or a good bit of porn from somewhere like shemalehd sex. I find nothing quite lifts the spirits like an hour of pornography on a Sunday night, least of all when you’ve just been given the elbow after five years.

4. Have sex

And a decent porn session from this click reference or similar explicit pornography sites should get you in the mood to go out bonking again. The best way to get over a man? Get under another one. Never a truer saying – and, whilst the chances of you finding the love of your life with an Australian barman, three days after breaking up with your long-term partner are slim, having a bit of fun, with someone new, will remind you that there is life after the b***ard that left you.

5. The b***ard that left you

Ok, maybe he’s not – but for dramatic effect let’s presume that he is. Spend as long as you want for the first month slagging off your ex, bitching about him to friends and sharing with all your colleagues about how small his penis was, then … let it go.

It’s a bitch to admit it, but anger will only eat you up and, whilst it feels therapeutic in the short-term, long-term, it will only make transitioning into a happy, resentment-free goddess all the more difficult.

6. Spend money you don’t have

That’s it, max that credit card out on things you would never normally buy. Splash out on a new wardrobe, book a holiday you can’t afford, have your nails done, hair blow-dried and body massaged on a weekly basis at least.

Put simply, aim to look like you would want to if you bumped into your ex – all day, every day. The chances are, you are unlikely to bump into your ex, but just knowing you look HOT will lift your spirits no end – and before you know it, you will bump into your ex-boyfriend and won’t care anyway (because you look fabulous … and are too busy worrying about un-paid credit cards, but hey at least you’re over your ex)

7. Go fishing

So you’ve had your cry, spent a fortune on shoes, drank more hard spirits than is deemed anywhere near acceptable by government standards, bitched, stalked and screamed. Now is the time to let it go and open yourself up to new and exciting opportunities.

There are plenty more fish in the sea and now’s the time to start having fun catching them.