Work, hygiene, and the shopping list. What do you think about when your man is going down on you? Are you totally focused on the moment or do you start to worry about flabby thighs and whether you let the dog out to pee after you got home? Is trash pickup tomorrow or the next day?
Buddhists call it monkey brains and we call it scattered brains, but it doesn’t matter what it is called because we ladies have one heck of a time trying to shut our brains down and enjoy the moment. It doesn’t matter if our love is making all the right moves downstairs, if we are still upset about our sister dating that jack-butt from the club, there is no way we are going to be able to relax into the moment.
And while some of us worry during the moment, others take a mental dive into heavy sarcasm and mentally rip apart our partner’s tongue abilities. Does he need a textbook to figure this out? We daydream. What if that was Benedict Cumberbatch down there? We also ponder strange notions, such as what if there was a school that taught men how to perform oral sex (and all sex) the right way? What would the curriculum look like and how would the degrees be titled?
Really, guys should never learn what goes on inside our minds when we are getting some downtown loving, but for us women we can all relate.
1. Just Relax
The day has been a total wreck, from spilling coffee on your white blouse at work to nearly getting into a car accident because some jerk pulled out in front of you. The last thing you want right now is oral sex because you are so stressed out. On the other hand, you secretly know that if he gets you going all that stress is going to melt away. You lay back, close your eyes, and let the magic happen.
2. Does He Need A Map?
You lay back, close your eyes, and what is this? Does he know what he is doing and why is he doing that? That certainly is not the right spot. Maybe he can’t find it? You start to picture yourself drawing a diagram for him showing all the important lady parts he seems to be missing. You take a deep breath. Okay, this is not working out. Let’s just skip ahead to the in and out part.
3. How long ago did I shower?
It is that frantic moment when he wants to go down on you and you hesitate for a moment, trying to remember if you showered this morning. “God, I hope I’m clean down there,” you think to yourself. In the meantime, he is starting to think you aren’t in the mood. Nuts on it. Like he is going to notice and if he does, he will be good enough not to say anything because that is just how wonderful he is.
4. I Will Pick The Position, Thank You
We know how we like it. We might like getting oral with our legs together, spread apart, while we are on our backs, or while sitting on the sofa. Sometimes, however, our guy (or gal) might try and force us into an uncomfortable position. It is awkward and there is simply no way in Hades we will ever reach an orgasm like this. Ugh.
5. I Wonder What A Dental Dam Feels Like?
Yeah, so we can come up with some pretty weird thoughts while someone is going down on us. One of those is pondering what exactly oral sex feels like when a dental dam is in use. Where do you even get one of those things, anyway? At the dentist? Images of stopping by the family dentist and asking for a dental dam floods your mind and before your know it, your boyfriend is saying, “Hey! Hey? Are you getting anything out of this or should I just stop?”
6. Damn! How Did He Get So Good At This?
He is a brand spanking new boyfriend and now that he is positioned between your legs, you find out that he can really work some magic down there. Between your ohs and yeses, you start to wonder how on earth he got so darn good at this. Maybe he took online courses on how to perform oral sex? Do those classes even exist? (They do.) Or maybe he’s been in a few naughty flicks? Oh, who the heck cares. This is feeling absolutely perfect.
7. Is He Trying To Crawl Into My Womb?
You know the type. As soon as you spread your legs, he is in there. I am not talking about the licking stuff, but his whole face is really in there. Is he trying to crawl up in there? God, he must have some severe mommy issues.
8. A Bit More To The Left
Head back and knees up. You are waiting patiently for him to hit the sweet spot. He’s almost there, almost there, and oh! He passed it. Go back over, a little to the right. Yeah, that’s the spot. You knock his head back and forth between your thighs, getting him to stay in that one special place. Too bad no one’s designed a leash for the tongue. Maybe I could train him with a zap collar?
9. I Wonder If He Did This To His Ex?
Why do I always wonder what he did with his ex? He is here, right now, with me, and yet I still ponder about his sexual past. Man, he is so good at this. Did she think that, too? Ugh, I can’t get her out of my head. Concentrate. Stop thinking about his ex.
10. Do I Smell?
Let’s see. I took a shower this morning, went to work, did some running around afterwards, and now he wants to go down on me. Should I run to the bathroom and give myself a quick swipe with a wash cloth or should I just trust that I am not stinky down there? Women are always worrying about their smell, but to be honest, sometimes guys can be pretty rank down there too. This is especially true after a workout or a hot day mowing the lawn. If you are worried about it, make the excuse that you want to brush your teeth first and make a quick dart into the bathroom for a sniff test. He might think you’re a bit weird, but it is better that risking it.
11. La Dee Da
He is totally into it, but you aren’t. You are just not in the mood for oral right now, but like a great boyfriend he is still down there, trying to give you that magic moment. You endure it for as long as you can, running through the grocery list in your head. You reach over, grab your phone, and start cruising through your Facebook feed. He doesn’t notice. It is a total lost cause and knowing that nothing is going to happen, you pull him up for some regular action.
12. I Hate My Manager
You finally get some one on one time with your love, he is giving you some downtown loving, and your boss pops into your head. Bloody nuts on a pogo stick! You can’t stand your manager and the way he talks down to you. In a matter of seconds, you go from horny to supremely pissed. Then you remember that your love is still down there, between your legs. Focus, you tell yourself as you force yourself to relax
13. Suck In My Gut
Oh my goddess. I should not have eaten all those carbs at dinner. He is so going to notice my gut. I try sucking it in, but that is too uncomfortable to hold while he is doing the tongue thing. I try stretching out and arching my back, but now he’s lost the sweet spot. Darn it. If he can’t handle the belly pudge then he just isn’t my kind of guy.
14. Is That It?
Woah, wait a minute. You mean you are done already? I haven’t even gotten started yet. Heck, that wasn’t even a warm up. Get back down there, boy.
15. Is That My Cat Watching Us?
I have a creepy cat named Jack. He watches me in the shower, when I go to the bathroom, and he likes to hang out on the bed where all the action is. We’ve tried pushing him off the bed, but then he gets onto the dresser and just sits there, watching us. I can only imagine what he is thinking. Cats are creepy.
16. Oh Yes!
It is that magic moment. The oh yes. Don’t. Stop. Go. Yes! Yes! Oh f*ck yes! Ahhhh… It is the perfect end to a not so perfect day. You smile, stretch, and try to roll over for a nap. But, what’s that? Your needs? Ah, god. Okay. Just bring it up here and let’s get this over with.