Despite conventional wisdom (and how Old-Hollywood starlets, and Victoria’s Secret Angels make it look), having big breasts can actually be pretty inconvenient. As a large-chested person myself, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked down and noticed one of my buttons had popped open.
Of course, there are some benefits (built-in food shelf, anyone?). But even if you love your boobs in all their glory, there are certain things everyone with big breasts can relate to.
1. Boob sweat.
These two words are the bane of anyone with large boobs who’s ever dared step outside in the summer. It creeps from your underboob, seeping through your shirt and around each boob, giving you the appearance of a table with two large watermarks on it.
2. Strapless bras are a joke.
Oh, your friend with small boobs says she has the perfect strapless bra and you shouldtotally try it? Just smile and nod. She’ll never understand.
3. Your bras come in two colors: nude and black.
“Look at all these pretty patterned bras!” your local lingerie salesperson might say. That is, until you reach the section for your size, wherein the bras are entirely nude, nude with nude flowers, and black.
4. Dresses fit perfectly — except for your boobs.
Shoulders? Check. Waist? Check. Butt? Check! Chest? OF COURSE NOT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
5. People literally don’t believe your bra size.
“A 32G?!” they indignantly cry. “But that’s not even a real size!” Unfortunately, many people still believe that the largest a chest can be is a DD when, in fact, so many people go above that, letter-wise.
6. You have a “wardrobe malfunction” at least once per summer.
No matter what kind of bathing suit you get, you invariably pop out of it at some point.
7. Bralettes aren’t even on your radar.
These delicate designs may be all over the place, but they might as well be invisible to you.
8. You get told your breasts are “distracting.”
Ever notice how this is the only body part deemed distracting even when totally covered? Perhaps we should start telling people to cover up their knees because they’re “causing a diversion.”
9. The double standard of low-cut shirts.
If you have a small chest and wear a low-cut shirt, you’re “daring and chic.” If you have a large chest and wear a low-cut shirt, you’re “too risqué,” “over-the-top,” or “sleezy.”
10. Button-downs are the enemy.
Any button-down shirt you can possibly wear invariably comes with the dreaded gap between the buttons around your boobs.
11. Any long necklace gets swallowed between your boobs.
Farewell, adorable pendant. You’ll be missed.
12. Bikinis that come as a pair are laughable.
Even if you’re an XS in bottoms, you’re still an XL in tops, making buying the top and bottom as a set an impossibility.
13. Anything flowy makes you look pregnant.
Those adorable summery tunics? Noooope. If you wear one, it looks like a muumuu.
14. Running is painful.
And sports bras don’t help all that much.
15. They’re crumb magnets.
Without fail, if you are eating or drinking literally anything, it will end up on your chest. And it will stain.
16. They’re built-in tables.
On the bright side, you can always pop a plate atop your boobs if you’re sitting on the couch and need to use your hands for a moment.
17. Strap marks at the end of the day.
No matter how supportive your bra is, if your boobs are big enough, you’ll still wind up with the lingerie equivalent of a tan line across each shoulder.
18. Backless clothing is not an option.
Going braless is pretty much begging to be uncomfortable for the entire day.
19. Walking down the stairs is a whole production.
If you go quickly whatsoever, you’re sure to bounce so much it hurts.
20. Turtlenecks give you a uniboob.
The second you squish ’em together, you’re stuck with a single breast right in the center of your chest.
21. Cross-body bags are extremely awkward.
Because who really wants to look like they’re wearing a giant seatbelt between their boobs?
22. Sleeping on your back is oh-so-painful.
And sleeping on your stomach is impossible! On the bright side, there are those out there who insist a wedge pillow can help with this.
BONUS: At least you feel like Jessica Rabbit sometimes.
Hey, who doesn’t want to exude this lady every once in a while?