“No, I don’t hate you! I seriously never hated you! Why would you ever think that?!”
1. “No, I don’t hate you! I seriously never hated you! Why would you ever think that?!” Literally I have never hated you once, Rebecca. I just kind of thought you were kind of a bitch because you said something snotty in our sociology class three years ago, but actually I love you.” No one understands you like Rebecca does. She’s even on her fourth amaretto sour too. You’re so glad Ashley brought her out tonight. Is Rebecca your soul mate? “Rebecca, you are, like, my fucking spirit animal.”
2. “Yes, OMG, can we please hang out soon? Why did we not hang out the last time we made plans?!” Even through your booze-induced haze, you know in your heart that you don’t want to get dinner with Rebecca. While grabbing her phone aggressively to text yourself so now she has your number and you guys have “seriously noooOo excuses this time,” you plot ways to get out of your date.
3. “Boys are so dumb, OMFG.” Effing Pete. He ruins everything. You were having this amazing bonding sesh with Rebecca in the corner, and you, like, never get to talk to Rebecca, and Effing Pete just needed to interrupt you because that stupid Avicii song came on. Can he maybe fist-pump on his own? You don’t have time to pretend to enjoy fist-pumping with him; you are talking to Rebecca.
4. *Cries. Just cries.* No reason. Maybe there is a reason. You don’t remember.
5. “I just want to go to a place where there are no creepers.” Also, more alcohol. Rebecca says she knows this place that is minimally creepy and also has amazing music. That sounds perfect; let’s go there. After this song, though.
6. “Should we take a shot?” Literally, you cannot remember the last time you took a shot because shots are disgusting, but, honestly, you really feel like you could just take shots right now, you know? Shots! Shots! OK, these shots are disgusting. Maybe you can throw yours out when no one is looking. “Did you really just down that?! Ew! Shots!”
7. “I just made out with him. Is he cute? I can’t even tell.” He maybe looks kinda cute? Like, does he look like Justin Timberlake circa 2001? Or Justin Timberlake circa now? All you know is now he is in your phone as JT DA CLUB. “Seriously, Rebecca, could you pay attention for one minute. I need help!”
8. “Why are you single? You are soooo great.” Seriously, you have the most amazing friends and job and apartment in the world and also you are incredible. “Why are you single? Rebecca, you are amazing. There are so many guys who want you. No, you’re more amazing.” You earnestly debate the pros and cons of the Single Lady Life.
9. “I have never had to pee so badly in my life.” The line is sooo long. Where are you going to pee? Where are you going to pee? You can’t pee here, it’s disgusting. Do you think we should sneak into that less creepy place across the street? OK, you can hold for one more minute and then that’s it. OK, we have to go now. You made it, barely. Kinda hard to squat with Rebecca and Ashley in the stall with you, but you persevere.
10. “I love you. I love you so fucking much, I just need you to know that you’re my best friend. I know I was taking shots and dancing with Rebecca half the night, but Ashley, you are my BFF and I love you. I love you more than my mom. Let’s never hang out with Rebecca again. Promise me nothing will ever change. No, I love you more. I love you the most.”
11. “Is there pizza here? Where is the nearest pizza?” Pizzzzzzaaaaaaaa. I love pizza more than you, Ashley.