1. He spends way too much time on foreplay.
I mean, when was the last time you had to tell a guy to stop adoring, caressing and/or licking your body?
2. There are so many great men out there, I don’t know how I’ll ever pick just one.
What a world it would be if this was something we actually had occasion to say! Oh, to dream… Sadly, until the right guy comes along — and rest assured he will — most guys will seem like losers, douches or assholes. That’s just the reality.
3. Another wedding? AWESOME. The bouquet toss is such a highlight.
Weddings aren’t all bad — free booze, and there’s always the possibility of hooking up with a groomsman in the coat closet — but after you’ve been single a while (and a bridesmaid one too many times), they can start to kinda suck as you wonder whether you’ll ever have your big day. You will.
4. I can’t wait to settle.
Yeah. And you shouldn’t. Like we’ve said before, settling is like buying something on credit — you’ll eventually get the bill.
5. Online dating has been such an amazing experience.
And the best part is all those messages from creepy guys who become increasingly irate when they don’t hear from you, telling you what a bitch you are. That said, online dating can be super efficient… We just wish there wasn’t such a fine line between Tinder being something that could connect you with your future husband or, if you heart the wrong dude, a serial killer.
6. I wish his penis was smaller.
Okay, penises can definitely be too big — maybe it’s just us but the ones that require Magnum XXLs just seem, well, unwieldy — but, more often than not, they’re too short, too thin, too soft or too attached to a guy who’s just an ass*hole.
7. Romance? Meh.
Wtf ever happened to chivalry and courting? Sure, times have changed — we don’t expect men to throw their coats down over a puddle but, seriously Guys, it would be really awesome if you’d hold the door open, pay for the first few dates (after all, we had to buy a new dress, get a blow out, a mani/pedi, etc), and chase us a little. Is that asking too much??
8. I don’t care if he has a job.
So often, when you finally meet a guy who’s interested, kind, and fun, there’s something missing — like he doesn’t have a job, or he’s depressed because he hates his job, or he makes less money at his job than you do (and that makes him uncomfortable)… Men have such complicated relationships to their careers and it’s annoying.
9. I don’t really care where things are going — I’m happy to see how it goes.
Right. That does’t happen.
We wish women were more zen about dating but, whether we admit it or not, most of us are picking out baby names after the first date, eagerly waiting for him to ask us to be his girlfriend and then his wife. Wtf is that?? Why are we so obsessive? It’s the source of so many of our dating problems. We need to be better about just letting things happen.
10. He’s perfect the way he is — there’s absolutely nothing I would change.
Okay, we admit it — women have said this. But usually only after the first date!