Do you feel that your relationship is making you depressed? Or, are you getting into a relationship that you are not too sure of?
Well, if you have these doubt running through your mind, then you need to start looking at various aspects of your partner or potential partner’s nature and personality to determine whether this relationship is healthy for you or not. When we spoke to a few people who had or have been facing problems in their relationships, there was something we found common in them. They all had the warning signs in front of them, and had either been ignoring or overlooking them for long.
So, here are a few relationship red flags that you must be looking for if there is a trouble brewing in your love paradise. These are signs that you are indeed in an unhealthy relationship, and it is best that you either end things soon or look for counselling.
#1. Temper outbursts
If your partner has temper outbursts at every little thing that goes wrong, then something is indeed wrong. Also, these outbursts need not be directed at you. It could be about other people or even things as well.
As Neha Khattani, a software developer by profession, says, “My ex used to lose his temper at the drop of the hat. Everything from my friends messaging me when I was out with him to his favourite team losing a match, everything sparked his temper. Initially I thought that he is either being too possessive or passionate about things, but it slowly turned into bigger things, like swearing and throwing things around.”
Yes, temper at times is ok and justifiable, but if it is happening far too often, then that is a definite red flag. It can also be a sign that your partner is unhappy and their unhappiness will definitely start affecting you, too.
#2. Possessive and controlling nature
Is your partner over possessive about you to the extent of calling you multiple times in a day, not allowing you to meet any people of the opposite sex or extremely jealous of your past relationships? Well, then it is time you have a talk with them. Also, if you feel that your partner is always holding the steering wheels of your relationship and your life, and if he or she forces you to make changes in your lifestyle just to make them happy, then it is time you put your foot down.
#3. Insults and bickering
Does your partner keep looking for ways to incite a fight, and keeps bringing up past issues every now and then? Or, does your partner constantly demean you in front of other people or crack constant jokes about you, your weight or maybe the work that you do? If yes, then this is a red flag in rising!
Reader, Rajveer Kanan (name changed), a visual merchandiser with an MNC, confesses on the condition of anonymity, “I had an arranged marriage, six months back. My wife and I hardly got time to meet much before our marriage. After marriage I realise that my wife constantly keeps comparing me with her sister’s husband and cousins, whether it is about looks or my salary. It is not like she had not seen me before marriage or didn’t know my work status. But, this sudden change and constant bickering just gets on my nerves, and is now affecting our relationship.”
Rajveer has now decided to go for marriage counselling to salvage his marriage that is on-rocks. Well, if you are still in the dating phase of your relationship, then it is a good time to look out for this sign before things go out of hand.
Comparing your partner with your ex is one of the most dangerous habits of some couples
#4. Jealousy and lack of trust
An important pillar of a healthy relationship is trust. If your partner is constantly jealous of your acquaintances and keeps calling you to check your location, then it quite apparent that he or she doesn’t trust you. What’s more? If their jealousy and lack of trust makes them go snooping in your professional life or social media, then it is a sign that a red flag has been raise. You should not forget that a relationship cannot survive if you don’t trust each other.
#5. They are critical about your family or friends
If your partner dislikes your family or friends excessively, to the point of avoiding them at all costs, then you really need to ask yourself where your relationship is going.
Roshan Parashar and Vidhi Arora both told us how their respective partners’ stopped them from meeting their friends, and were always criticising some or the other family member of theirs. Vidhi further told us that her boyfriend, who never really got along well with her sister and brother-in-law, had told her that she would have to stop talking to them if she wanted to marry him. Well, Vidhi chose her family over such a relationship, and she is very happy with her decision as well.
If you do get married, your partner will have to accept your family for who they are. Or, at least should not interfere or cut your relationship with your family and friends.
Lying to your partner about something can also be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you truly love him or her, you would not be afraid to admit the truth, no matter what.
“Anuj and I met through a matrimonial website, and we instantly hit it off,” says Pritika Majumdar. She further adds, “Soon our wedding was finalised. But, during our courtship period I realised that things were not as fine as he was showing them to be. He was constantly lying about his whereabouts, making excuses when I asked him to introduce me to his friends, he avoided in detail questions about his professional life. All this got me really worried, and I decided to hire a private detective. What I discovered was very shocking. Anuj was in a live-in relationship with another girl, and he had a closet full of secrets.”
Well, constantly lying, making excuse, cooking up stories that don’t collaborate are signs that things are not as fine in your relationship as they should be, so keep an open eye, like Pritika did.
#7. Blaming you
Are you the one whom your partner blames for anything that goes wrong in his or her life? If yes, then you need to get out of this relationship before it starts taking a toll on you mentally. Also, if you constantly have to defend yourself, or you end up blaming yourself for their problems, then it means that you need to rethink about this relationship. Such negativity is not good, neither for your mental health nor your relationship.
#8. Sexist attitude
This one is mostly for the women, if your partner does not respect women and believes that “their place” is in the kitchen, then time to retrace your steps in such a relationship.
As Anuja Mishra, a 28-year-old music teacher who is going for arranged marriage and is often meeting potential grooms, says, “Looks, money, salary, etc. everything comes and goes, but if there is no respect in a relationship then it is definitely not worth getting into. I met this NRI guy whom my parents had shortlisted for me, and I discovered that the only reason he is looking for an Indian girl for marriage is that she will look after his parents and him. I met him 4-5 times, and that is all he kept talking about. And, I knew that this would be a relationship were I would never get any respect, and would effect my individuality.”
So, whether you are in a relationship or plan to get into one, do make sure that your partner is respectful towards you and the people around you.
#9. You have to defend it to your loved ones
There may be people in your family who might not instantly fall in love with your significant other; but if it is general consensus among your family and friends, then read on.
Apart from the person you are with, it is your family and friends who know you best. And, if they all feel that you are stepping into a wrong relationship, then you should consider listening to them. If you have to constantly defend your partner in front of your loved ones, then it is a relationship red flag.
#10. Constantly wondering about being in a wrong relationship
This is the most surprising one that a few of our readers did bring to our attention while they send in their views on ‘red flags in a relationship’. If you find yourself wondering more than often about being a wrong relationship, then chances are that you are probably in one.
As Praveen Kukereja says, “From outside my relationship looked perfect. I thought things were going smooth, but I always had a thing going on at the back of my head. It was like something was wrong. After a while when I closely looked into my relationship, I realised that I was in a relationship that was one-sided. It was just about giving, but from my side, be it my time, attention, love, trust or respect. My girlfriend never reciporcated my efforts, and I had just been ignoring this. It was a depressing period of my life.”
Yes, it is not always necessary to know the reasons; at times, things are right in front of us and we just overlook them. So, try to make a mental note of things that are bothering you. And, talk to your partner freely and truthfully about your doubts. It is important to go with your gut feelings every once in a while.