When it comes to S*x , nobody’s perfect (apart from, we imagine, Ryan Gosling). Cosmo asked an ACTUAL MAN for his personal ‘bed-bugs’, which show why some couples are S*x soul-mates and others totally suck (so to speak…).
Here are 15 annoying things we all might be guilty of doing in the bedroom…
1. Screaming like you’re in a p0rno movie
You think I like it. You’re so wrong. I think, ‘OMG, she’s watched tons of porn. Who with?’ Remember: sighing while smiling is good. Screaming like you’re in labour is a major turn-off.
2. Saying, ‘You’ll never make me come like that!’
There’s no quicker way to make men feel like instant failures. I’m not a mind reader. Try saying instead, “I really like it when you…” /You’ll/ get what you want, and we’ll have learnt a valuable lesson.
3. Telling us off if we leave our socks on
OK, on pape, men who are nude but for their socks lack eroticism at best and are laugh-out-loud funny at worst. But sometimes we’re so eager to ravish you, a full, surgical undress just gets in the way. Take it as a compliment!
4. Faking a climax really badly
We know it’s meant to make us feel better, but do it wrong and it says, ‘You can’t make me come, and I want this to end. Now.’ How can we ever improve if you don’t tell us what hits the spot? Let us know and you might even get to enjoy the real thing.
5. Giving manual relief at one speed only
You know how you furiously shake your hairspray into life? Well, this is not the way to treat your man’s member. Try one hand, two hands, long and slow corkscrew motions, short and fast… A varied menu keeps us hungry for more.
6. Dousing yourself in perfume
Men are programmed to respond lustily to your natural feminine odours. They’re packed with natural pheromones – and trust us, we want to smell them. A 30-second mushroom-cloud blast of Impulse makes you smell about as erotic as the perfume counter at Boots.
7. Having an orgasm then stopping dead
If you’re lucky enough to come first, it’ll add to the thrill if you ask us (loudly, and with fervour) to keep going. Not only will we think you’re experiencing a fabled multiple orgasm, but it’ll help us charge to the finish line too.
S*x can be a hormonal overload. But burst out crying while we’re still inside you, and we’ll be petrified. If it does happen, say, “I’m crying because I’m happy,” and hug us tight. Still scary, but not as bad.
9. Checking your phone
No, seriously – some women really do this. Would you rather have S*x with your phone? I assume not – so turn it off, or leave it in the other room.
10. Always reverting to your favourite position
Yes, you might only get off with doggy-style. But it can make us feel like little more than a willy with a body attached. Ask us what we want too, and take it in turns to decide what goes.
11. Squeezing our balls
We men like having our nuts played with, but they’re mega-sensitive, so be gentle. Tease them with your fingertips, lick them with the tip of your tongue, gently suck them, but never squeeze them except incredibly gently. You’re not testing avocados in Tesco.
12. Assuming we want lengthy blow jobs
Only a madman would turn down a blow job, but many of us don’t want to spend all night on the starter course. Ask, “Are you ready for me now? Or do you want me to carry on?”
13. Talking dirty without warning
So far, you’ve stuck to moans and groans and the odd, “Faster!” Then you suddenly break into, “I’ve been a bad, naughty girl – ooh, BITE ME!” Which is brilliant if we’re into it – but it can freak the hell out of us if we don’t know it’s coming. Prime us with, “Do you like it when I talk dirty?” If you get the nod, add, “Tell me what you want to do to me…” to gauge how dirty we want it.
14. Always turning out the lights
You might have body issues, but insisting on total darkness just makes us share them. Dim the lights, light a candle, throw a T-shirt over a lamp. Just don’t insist on total darkness (or start a bedside fire).
15. Always waiting for us to make the first move
Predictability is the enemy of great S*x . Rather than lying there, surprise us. Go out of the room and walk back in naked. Throw us on the bed and rip our pants off. Start playing with yourself. We’ll soon take the hint.